I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
