i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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