Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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