she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
