I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
