I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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