I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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