I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
