I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Even the bartender felt bad for me
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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