new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize