He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
