I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I can text with my tongue
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
