the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
