can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
