Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
