My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
