And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
