physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
