She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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