Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
