if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize