just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
