Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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