I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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