note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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