Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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