i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
