I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
