I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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