In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
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