home. puking in laundry basket.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
