I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
