What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
