I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
