someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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