Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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