So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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