I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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