it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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