my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Are we still banned from the library?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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