i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
did you just send me my own nude
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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