your parents love me but you hate me
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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