i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
