The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
