i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
