It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Nicole vs. Life
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
