remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
is wine microwaveable?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
