im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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