i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
