im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
NoShamevember. You game?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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