Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize