I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize