i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just found puke in my bra..
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
