He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
