My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
