I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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