4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
