I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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