she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i need some magic done to my vagina
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